Fast

Things suddenly feel like they're moving very quickly. I'm feeling nervous and unanchored and unfocused.

Today is Husband's first day at his new job! This is momentous for anyone but it is extra so for him because he's in his late 50s and it's the first new employer he's had in 1/4 of a century. He's so stinkin' excited! We spoke yesterday and I could hear in his voice that he was embracing the moment with his whole heart and mind. I want that. Instead, I've been living afraid and actively avoiding. Afraid of, or avoiding, almost everything and almost everyone. I've slowly become accustomed to doing what I want whenever I want. I don't have a very high bar for myself really. Sheesh, I'm overly proud that I make myself go to bed early and wake earlier! That's the extent of the discipline I have in my life right now. I don't deny myself much. And I've not been regularly looking first to God for guidance, comfort, and companionship, so it is no surprise that I feel the way I'm feeling.

I woke up today fully longing to feel close to Jesus again. Without going into a deep dive here, it's been a little bit since I've felt adjoined to him. It's been some time since I've had the habit of depending on him instead of my own intellect or will. So, when I looked at my fridge calendar this morning and saw it is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent - it struck me that I haven't observed Lent in many years. Forty days to fast from something and reflect on what Jesus has done for me and to metonoia (Greek: to change one's way of life) and to pray. What beautiful, perfect timing for me! (Of course it is haha!)

I haven't given up much of anything in a very long time, or said "No," to me in ages. A good example: I buy too much food, eat too much of it, and waste too much of it. With the exception of when I'm keeping intermittent fasting hours, I eat what I want when I want. To make things worse: I Instacart our groceries, so I don't even do the task myself. Ridiculous!

For Lent, many people give up meat or coffee or sweets, but those wouldn't be as hard for me really. Cheese, on the other hand, that is a true abstinence challenge for me that will command my attention regularly. But, I'm not playin' around here, so cheese it is! With one potential rare exception: when someone else may serve me food with cheese in it and it would be rude to decline. Remember, I have to meet a lot of new people these next 40 days+ and I don't want a first impression to be a fussy one or leave hurt feelings.

March 5 ~ April 20th. When I want for it, I will instead pray. I'll thank God for all the blessings I have, beginning with all the other foods and all the other comforts I have. I'll ask him to show me what else in my life is distracting me from what He wants for me or how I can serve another. I'll ask for forgiveness and guidance.

I want to feel nearer to you, Jesus, during this quickly changing time and always!

Oh merciful Redeemer...

may I know you more clearly,

love you more dearly,

and follow you more nearly.

Richard of Chichester